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The latest of porn's attempts to marry the pageantry of wrestling to the domain of fake internal popshots, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling," like its predecessors bankrolled by Extreme Associates and Sin City in the late '90s and early oughts, has realized that the flimsy high concept storytelling of porn has been used in wrestling for generations.

But unlike its forebears, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" throws a little more sex the audience's way, performed by the likes of Kendra Secrets and Chyanne Jewel, who would be R. Crumb's powerful-legged heroines if he ever switched jobs with Vince McMahon.

How it works is this: actual wrestlers with their standard backstories (stole my belt, slept with my girlfriend, etc.) intersperse "legitimate" matches in a sparsely populated hall with wrestling grudge-related sex scenes between the aforementioned pornstresses and people like Evan Stone and Lee Stone. So, for example, Craig Valentine gets back at wrestling rival Evan Stone by showing a video of himself fucking Kendra Secrets.

"Beat that pussy up," Secrets says.

"Make sure when you kiss her on the lips," Valentine says to Stone, "you say hello to my kids, because they're hanging off her chin."

You get the idea.

This series has promise, but it was inevitable that it did not live up to its hype. I get a couple of press releases every week for this, and to watch the poorly rehearsed and scripted video, where viewers can hear each audience member clapping (there seem to be about ten), seems like kids' exercises in putting on "skits" for the new video camera, circa 1986.

Free of any real direction, the hammiest performers do well. Enter Evan Stone and Ron Jeremy. Stone knows this is a laugh, and we hope he got his day rate. He shows up in armor, for example.

Making the moves on "Vampire Warrior"'s girlfriend, Chyanne, Stone reveals that "on the road, wrestlers talk."

Jeremy, as a color commentator opposite a wrestler named Angelo "A Train," works his ass off like a Poconos comedian in a tough room.

The room itself appears to be a massive Florida strip club, rented for a couple of days.

Staying true to the pro-wrestling format of betrayal and vendetta, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" to its credit fills the disc with several sex scenes and plenty of wrestling, as well as interstitial exposition of why everyone is so mad at each other. Some people are cheap, others introduced their former friends' daughters to porn, etc. Like watching wrestling without sex, it gets confusing to follow the storlyline sometimes.

While Mary Carey and Tyler Faith are in the movie, they do not show up in sex scenes. Those go to Secrets, Keeanie Lei, and Jessica Haze.

As a porn flick, "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" could have stood some improvement, but I say with all honesty that if you like professional wrestling, you will like this movie.

- Review by Gram Ponante

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Not Rated Pro Wrestling
Studio: New Porn Order
Director: Craig Valentine
Cast: Matt Bateman, Snakemaster Abudadene, Blackheart, Pablo Marquez, Loaded Cash, Kendra Secrets, Kis Romeo, Billy Blade, Annie Social, Buff Bagwell, Misty, Lee Stone, Keeanie Lei, Mary Carey, Doc Rivers, Mr. Montana, Tyler Faith, Jessica Haze, Vampire Warrior, Too Cold Scorpio, Evan Stone, Craig Valentine, Chyanne Jewel, Dick Fitzwell, "Knockout" Nikki, All the Money, Ron Jeremy, A Train

· New Porn Order (newpornorder.com)
· Buy "Not Rated Pro Wrestling" (gamelink.com)

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Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive

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We have much love for both Jenna Haze and Courtney Cummz, who have appeared together and apart in plenty of porn movies and on lots of box covers. Sometimes they look great, and sometimes ... well, let's just say they make Questionable Choices. Check out their alleged crimes after the jump. - Audacia Ray

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Suspects:
Courtney Cummz and Jenna Haze

Charged with:
Fetishwear abuse in the first degree

The Evidence:

"Meet the Fuckers 8"
Teal and black coordinating outfits are cute and clever in concept, and the color suits both Jenna and Courtney. But why are both of these lovely ladies wearing bell-bottomed chaps made out of garbage bags? Trying something a little different than thigh high stockings is brave, but this? No no no!

Fleshbot Fashion Police Verdict: EQUAL FAIL.

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"Jenna & Courtney"
Courtney's cute little red panties with fake rhinestone belt are made infinitely cuter by the suspenders attached to them. This underwear is definitely porn star outer wear, because how would you wear it under something? You'd have to strip down every time you needed to pee. Though we suspect Photoshop foul play because there's no way panties with suspenders would not cause camel toe, Courtney is rocking a fashionably different look—and totally one-ups Jenna, who is just wearing boring old fishnet.

Fleshbot Fashion Police Verdict COURTNEY CUMMZ FTW!

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"POV Centerfolds 5"
You know how the fashion mags are always saying that you should remove one accessory before you leave the house so you're not totally overdoing it? Courtney Cummz should pay attention to that (and no, the accessory we're talking about isn't her panties).Ladies in men's wear are totally hot, but this pink faux tie has got to go.

Fleshbot Fashion Police Verdict COURTNEY CUMMZ FAIL.

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"Massive Facials"
On this cover, Jenna Haze shows Courtney Cummz how it's done. Her accessorizing is pretty much perfect - we might even go so far as to say that she's donning classy bling. Though the combination of lace and fishnets can sometimes be questionable, it works here. This is a great example of porn star outfitting - plenty of cute and interesting elements but not too much clutter. And she's topless, which is always a good fashion statement as far as we can tell.

Fleshbot Fashion Police Verdict JENNA HAZE FTW!

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(Spotted a pornstar fashion do or don't in your wanderings? Drop us a line in the comments!)

Burning Man image by loupiote (Old Skool) from “the temple of forgiveness”. More of their photos are here and here.

This week’s SF Chron column is the sweetly cranky Go Playa With Yourself: Violet Blue explains why sex in the city is so much better during Burning Man — and yes, I’m already getting email telling me how closed-minded I am. It’s cranky and I had some fun, so? Anyway, hope you enjoy it with the appropriate amount of snark, humor, and of course, open-mindedness:

Last year I did my very best as a sex educator to make sure fewer people than usual would bring That Burning Sensation back home from that yearly rave destination in the Nevada desert, Burning Man. Sure, I also made fun of people who pay $300 to visit a festival where they can wear nothing but Crocs with socks while ogling body-painted sex clowns and really finally getting to be themselves, man.

Maybe that second part is why I didn’t get more feedback from attendees of the event. “You are the savior of my sunburned genitals,” no one said; “Baker Beach has a lot to learn about driving 16 hours to be nonconformist in the quest to find myself and get a sunburned peen.” I had imagined people telling me “I never imagined the delicious friction of sand and Astroglide; back home in San Francisco I always have to ride Critical Mass without underpants to get the same sensation. Nevermore!”

Instead, I was forced to seek solace in my own kind. I sat in my imaginary throne-booth at the totally empty uber-hip Mission District Ritual Roasters*, surrounded by a cadre of young, pale, easily sunburned Goth boys and girls complimenting me on my flawless complexion. (”Stay out of the desert, my dark darlings,” I’d answer with a lace-cuffed flourish of a cupcake-heavy hand.) My homo homeboys in the Castro admired my taste in gloriously Steampunk-free fashion, while we shared knowing winks about those who pay hundreds of dollars to get blown by alkali dust all weekend, as opposed to simply paying for drinks to get blown all weekend (though I have to travel to The Lex to receive service, but still).

Sex in San Francisco rocks during Burning Man weekend. Not because the hippies and steampunk hipsters are gone - OK, yes, that helps the atmosphere - but for at least five reasons:

One: Male, female or trans - if you live in The City, finding a parking spot in the Mission, SOMA, South Beach, NOPA, the Castro and yes, even the Marina is enough of a shocking turn-on that most of us will have at least 10 instant hard-ons a day regardless of what’s between our legs, not to mention making thighs quake city-wide with the ease of getting a taxi all weekend long. And just the thought of all those fixies being off the streets makes us motorcycle riders quiver with anticipation. Burners gone = clearer streets = hornier populace.

Two: It’s not just hippies and vaudeville hipster performers that are temporarily pulled from the dating and mating pool over the long weekend. Ravers and bubblicious Disneyland-of-BoingBoing-seeking wealthy tech industry wonks with pimped-out Air Streams also comprise the 50,000+ revelers who spend a s-ton of money to create the fourth largest city in Nevada for a week. And pollute it more than NASCAR, primarily to re-create Castro Halloween two months before we start boarding up our windows here. (…read more.)

* Yes, people are emailing me about SF Gate’s broken links in my piece — *all* links past Ritual Roasters the third paragraph are broken. I’ve notified the Gate, I hope they get fixed…

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Kim Kardashian

Claire Danes

Paulina Rubio

Rosario Dawson

Helen Mirren

Britney Spears

Ashley Tisdale

Cora Skinner

Laura Vandervoort

Audrina Patridge

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· Elegy (2008) (imdb.com)

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Previously: Fleshbot Babes Archive

Today we have three Bree Olson-related products to consider. Two of them are what our cosmopolitan readers should expect by this point, but the other is, well, kind of odd.

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By now you are very familiar with the mid-range disembodied fuckable body part. Bree Olson has authorized that two locales of her general 20-year-old perineal region be engooped and immortalized in Cyberskin. So her ass and pussy arrived wrapped in tasteful cellophane, both parts ready for a standard-issue vibrating bullet.

Both her ass and pussy look as they should, I suppose, but to get a grip on them we are given a stalk of material reminiscent of the brain stem. So fucking these parts is a little like fucking with Ms. Olson's mind. I suppose there are some people who would be excited by this, but I think Bree is already the type of wholesome WYSIWYG porn star whose mind is an open book.

Without benefit of the picture and description on the box, though, unwary consumers might be tempted to throw the beeflike Cyberskin Ass and Pussy on the grill to barbecue rather than under layers of socks for furtive retrieval when one's wife and sole breadwinner leaves for work.

But whereas the Ass and Pussy are endorsed by - and look to be shaped from - Bree Olson, the third product is a purple sparkly dildo and strap-on harness also endorsed by Bree. The question is inevitable: Is the user, based on the sparkliness, supposed to believe he is being pegged by Bree Olson? The alternative is ghastly. I strapped it on and walked around the front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre with Superman and Spidey, saying "Look at me! I'm Bree Olson and I'm double packing!"

· Adam & Eve (adameve.com)
· Bree Olson's Extra-long Vibrating Pussy (sensualadvisor.com)
· Bree Olson's Extra-long Vibrating Ass (sensualadvisor.com)
· Bree Olson's Glitter Glam Strap-on Harness with Dildo (sensualadvisor.com)
· Topco Sales (topcosales.us)

With that in mind, we welcome you to the preliminary round of Fleshbot's Extreme Pornstar Showdown (and thank the ever helpful Malzy Wheels for the suggestions.). Here's how it works: Each week, we'll pair up two pornstars and present you with some samples of their work. Then you, the people, will decide the winners of each round. Those winners will go on to face new opponents ... until at last, only one pornstar will be left standing.

But before we get to that point, we need some competitors. So tell us: who would you like to see? Sasha Grey vs. Aurora Snow? Belladonna vs. Gauge? Nominate your favorite stars in the comments — and let the games begin!

· Thumbnail star: FEPS Contenders Nautica Thorn, Jenna Haze, and Lanny Barby (via Ask Jolene

· Robert Wasinger Photography (robertwasinger.at, via Imagens)

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